Everytime someone is telling us “I love you” we feel the urge to answer right on the spot. And sometimes it’s not sincere, we do that because we think “we have to: you give me something, So I have to give backe”. Well, it can be sincere, but the precipitation of the answer looks like rejection.
- I love you.
- Me too !
And poof, this exchange is already a zero sum result. You give me, I give back. This way I owe you nothing. This way, I don’t really, keep anything for myself.
But this is not unconditionnal love.
It’s not to receive from one personn to immediately after give back in return exactly what has been given.
It’s not “Because I receive so I owe something in return”.
It’s not “Because I’m being given something and I am not worthy -because I’m probably what? Humble ?- so I have to give back rapidly in return to compensate”.
Inconditionnal love, as its name suggests it , means no obligation of a give back.
Of course it’s possible to give back, if you want, but it’s never mandatory.
Expecting that your child is loving you because you gave him/her everything to the point of sacrificing yourself, it’s not inconditionnal love. It’s sacrifice.
Expecting your lover to love you because you do for him.her everything they need (and don’t ask for) is not unconditionnal love. It’s dependancy.
Expecting friends to understand you because you choose to be compassionate and understanding toward them, is not unconditionnal love. It’s accountability.
Love is a barter. A swap of what you have better to offer, but without depleting yourself of it. Not a self sacrifice, not a dependancy, not an accountability and certainely not a giving back of what is owed or granted.
Unconditionnal love, is just a gift.
It can become an exchange, of gifts, but based of expressed needs and agreement upon the swap.
If you wish your child to love you then, ask him for his.her love, his.her forgiveness, show him.her your vulnerability. Teach him.her that love is not a sacrifice.
If you wish your lover to love you, then, express clearly your needs ans wants, make your demands, and accept that he or she might not know how to fullfill them (and if so, it could be the sign of clear uncompatbility). Offer them (and gift yourself with) this lesson of love : love is about corresponding, not being dependant.
If you wish your friends love you more, then, ask clearly what you expect of them.
To all those people you will be giving the possibility to fill you up with unconditionnal love not because you already are giving what you don’t dare to ask , but because you give the best of yourself, and because you expect the best of yourself.
To accept easily this daily pratice here are small tip :
Next time someone is telling you “I love you”, don’t answer on the spot ‘mee too” but smile, and let that sink in, and wait to feel the transforming power of this gift.
And when you feel ready, (and not because you’lle feel in debt) if you want, tell them that you love them as well.
(But in that last case, give time for the recipient to do the same, and don’t expect an immediate answer)
#RelationshipCoaching